Disturbances

Sometimes i get so disturbed over the things that i don't know. i want to know everything. Why does that have to be impossible?

I'm learning how to do print-making right now. Prior to last Tuesday night, I had absolutely no idea what that was. Well, I had seen silk screen pieces before (and wondered where the silk was), and I did attend a gallery of prints and listen to the opening speech, but I still didn't understand it. And now, I'm delving in.

But the problem is, I'm not learning it "officially." I'm just trying to pick it up and pick it out of people who do know it. I hate not knowing, and flitting around the studio as the one helpless person who has to harrass everyone else in order to accomplish anything. And furthermore, I just want to know it already. I had my first go at it last Thursday night, from 9 until 11:30 pm! It was wonderful, and I fell in love with it.

Tonight, though, nothing went right. Not even a little bit. My prints didn't come out well. The ink kept drying too fast because my lines were to fine. The gunk didn't come off the screen very well. And then the door was locked to get into a room I needed, so I had to stop after doing...nothing. Nothing but not do what I wanted. I printed off some overhead transparency, so I will be ready to go, but I have nothing good to show for what I learnt on Thursday, and nothing but a mostly clean silk-screen and a transparency or two for the next time i have the chance to try.

I wish I had studied art when I was still in university. Why didn't I? I feel so inept when i try these things out, and I want so badly to know everything about them. And mostly? Mostly I want to paint. When I was little I would always try painting. I even stole my dad's white-board eisel once and set up a little "art studio" of my own in the garage. It didn't last long, but oh how i loved it. I painted a rock once, and it was really good... but then then someone put it outside and it rained. No more painting. I wish I knew how to use brushes and colours and make those things which are so beautiful that I cry when i see them. And I wish that trying to learn them back handedly worked out a little better. But maybe it is enough for now that i am even making the attempt?

I guess I'd rather be disturbed with my life and try to grow it than be fine with my life and live it narrowly.